Friday, August 2, 2013

Polishing a Turd

     For a few days, I've been trying to:

1.  Eat less overall.  (did super well at work, then blew it when I got home.  My two supreme weaknesses got me... chili spaghetti and Angelo's Pizza)
2.  Eat more fruit.
3.  Get consistent on drinking enough water (I'm sketchy on this one.  Rock some days, suck on others).
4.  Walk more.  (failed semi-spectacularly one day, next day did a little better, did even better today, though nothing near my pre-flop walking routine).

On top of those action items, I also decided to gussy myself up some, so I got some crap to put on my hair, scheduled a haircut for later in the month at a "fancy" place (Trim on 12th Ave in Nashville.  They are amazing), and got my nails and toenails done.  The entire time I was doing this, I felt as if I were polishing a turd.  I've been informed by two people (one of whom was a bit angry) that this I incorrect.  I don't see how, but I appreciate the sentiment.  I now have lovely brown hair, shiny nails and toenails, but I still am a lumpy sack of dough who has not yet gotten the hang of defeating out of control appetite and lack of energy.  So, I'm going to go with my original thought.  I am a shiny turd.  Perhaps next week I will be a shiny pig's ear.  I'm still shooting for silk purse, but baby steps, people.

The FLOOP Path

     Well, it would appear that I have taken approximately the first 5,000 or so steps on an unintentional and completely undesired journey.  It may have been inevitable that these things happen, as genetics, life changes, less than satisfactory habits, and lack of time/knowledge can create a perfect crapstorm.  But, here I am on a path that pisses me off.
     Genetically speaking, I am my mother in a multitude of ways.  As of 48 to two years ago we had these things in common: uterus problems of the insanely painful and undiagnosable sort, blood sugar irregularities (me low, her high), appearance in the I looked just like her when she was younger way, migraines, a fairly unproductive stoicism, chest pain/high cholesterol, and a less than optimal digestive system.  Yeah, it's fun to be us.
     So, being determined to not gain a lot of weight and end up diabetic, having heart attacks randomly, and generally feeling like mom does; I spent a lot of time not eating, playing paintball, going to the gym, and hitting the dreadmill at home.  A lot.  Of time.  It worked.  I managed to hold off the extremely sudden and dramatic weight gain that happened to mom.  At my house we call it "flooping".  You go along, looking like normal; then one day you look in the mirror and your body explosively expands and makes a sound something like FLOOP!  Well, I managed not to floop.  For a while.
     Life changed, as it has a tendency to do.  My schedule became such that gym, dreadmill and paintball time became extinct.  Other priorities took precedence.  I was convinced to quit smoking by a new influence in life simultaneously with the lack of exercise, so metabolism took a major nosedive.  And don't tell me how good for me it is to quit smoking, because I just don't really care.  Feeding new family members reacquainted me with eating, and I eat more now than I ever have in my life.  Since appetite is now through the roof and almost uncontrollable, I have FLOOPED like no other person has ever flooped.  In two years, everything changed.  I hate it.  It looks nasty; I hurt all over; and I have never felt this bad in my entire life. 
     I do understand how this happened and all the different influences that interfered with my plan for my body.  I do understand, also, the steps needed in order to halt and reverse this process.  That leads me back to the current undesired path I'm on.  I have to fight this insane appetite, while feeding or being with family members who eat things I shouldn't.  I have to take time from some needed activities (OK.  I know video games are not necessary activities. But, relaxation and fun are necessary so it still counts!) to get back on the exercise track.  While on the exercise track I am going to have to deal with the crazy muscle and joint pain that intensified with the floopage.  (It's probably worsening fibromyalgia, but whatever.)  And did I mention lack of energy and stressful job environment? 
     While the get past this path is walkable, I am very, very annoyed that I got on the path in the first place when I had been trying so diligently to avoid it.  So, I'm going to walk it while being pissy about it.  And I may log my progress, efforts, and pissiness on here.  The moral of the story at the end of this tale will be, "Heed this warning.  DO NOT ALLOW LIFE TO TAKE YOU DOWN THE FLOOP PATH!  AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS!"
     I'm already two days behind on logging items.  So, to catch up I'll post a couple a day.


Friday, January 25, 2013


Do not speak, from thus comes discord and blame

Do not fail, as that leads to sorrow and shame

Do not dream, for this invites the critical

Do not hear, because words invade dreadful

Do not think, since thought requires release

And as we all know, the first rule is don’t speak.

Thursday, September 6, 2012


My name is Alice, and it's no wonder
I have issues from time to time.
It seems I lose my place a lot
not knowing which one is real.
I've lost what I loved by giving it up,
whole-heartedly breaking my heart.
But, that didn't fix the fractured life,
bring peace, contentment, or joy.
Instead, I lie bleeding from multitudinous cuts
sustained while crashing
through your looking glass.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Replacements

Line on up, smile at me shyly
Let me see that gleam in your eyes
Don’t tell me your name, I don’t want to know
Don’t care who you are, just give it and go
Don’t ask me anything, don’t speak at all
Keep your hands in the ride til the ride is done
Get your clothes, turn around
Hit the door and go home.
I’ve no interest in your life, your loves, your pain or joy
What I want tonight is a breakable toy
So give me some play, anonymous game
Limp away in pieces, I’ll stay the same
A girl has needs, not necessarily you
As long as it’s good, almost anyone will do
Don’t care who you are, just give it and go
Don’t tell me your name, I don’t want to know.
I won’t see you next week, next month, or next year
Don’t care where you go, just don’t come back here
Keep your hands in the ride til the ride is done
Get your clothes, turn around, hit the door and go home.
Tomorrow night, another line
Another shy smile with gleaming eyes.
No questions, no words, no names, no heart
No beginnings, no endings, no feelings, don’t start.
I don’t care who you are, who you were, who you’ll be.
This isn’t about you, it’s only for me.
If I can hurt you, I will, with no thought or guilt.
You’re a replacement fuck. You don’t mean shit.
I don’t want to know, so don’t tell me your name
Smile at me shyly, escape unscathed.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

New Life

My love's not a gift, it's a prize to be won
I gave it before, it was stomped on,
so if you want it; this treasure to keep,
full of shine and soul, sweetness and heat,
you'll put in the time, the work, and the dreams,
but the prize, though amazing, is no longer free.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Yeah, I know. You don't have to agree with me.

I look at trees and I see god.
In rotten corpses, too.
The sun in spring, the smell of fall,
And both sides live in you.
Love and hate. Joy and pain.
Tornados, storms, rain.
I see them all, clearly and well
There is no such thing as hell.

I look at man and I see god.
In slaughtered children, too.
The gifts of time, the work to heal.
And both sides live in you.
Love and peace. Greed and war.
Hatred, anger, pain.
I see them all, clearly and well.
You’ve created your vision of hell.