Lessons in Flannel

I have a red shirt, faded and worn,
smelling faintly of vanilla.
It never makes it quite to the hanger;
it just calls to be put on.
It's never buttoned or accompanied by
other items of clothing.
It's partnered, instead, with snapshots
of you, watching me laugh with serious eyes
and bemused, half-smile on your face.
That was the moment, the second I knew
that given the time, it was you
who could see me exactly as me
and end the cliff jumping for good.
That safe and secure could never be boring,
comfort a gateway to weakness.
I wish we'd had the red shirt before
when we first wanted each other.
The decade between could have filled the void
of the photos not taken and saved.  I regret
the years of missing that look and you quietly telling me why
you liked the shirt and loved me in it.
That path we ignored, then came back to, too late,
makes the hardest word, simply, Goodbye.

Kicked Puppy

I am a stupid girl.
Self-preservation not a strong point.
Running like mad toward the edge of a cliff
Convinced that flying can happen.
And even if it's just a long fall
What a rush that last step will be
Blood pumping, hair blowing
wind on my skin and roaring in my ears.
Adrenaline addiction
So what if the river below is dry as a bone this time?
Broken and bleeding and twisted on rocks
is fine if I land on my back
so looking up the sheer cliff face
at the sky, the edge, the trees
perhaps I'll see a flock of birds, clouds,
maybe a lone eagle. 
Then, truthfully, I'll be able to say
"For a moment, I joined you."

Flipside

You do some of your best work in denial

Convince yourself, convince yourself

That Evil is real, punishable by death

That doing right by harm proves it

Staying afloat seals it

Violence and force aren’t just another part
Flipside to the planet, nature, universe, us

Convince yourself, convince yourself

That one of your extremes is the bad side

When it’s just another piece

Manipulation that is almost lie

Heap abuse on others and you

When control slips what can you make them do

Convince yourself, convince yourself

That the dead were murdered

And the killer must pay

That selfishness is a fatal flaw

That to reveal what you are is at best a deal killer

That crazy is a reason rather than a life

Convince yourself, to hide your flipside

From you, from me, friends, not foes

Hit the next level of crazy and run/hide

Wake up decades earlier a week later

Don’t get played, all the while playing

Convince yourself, what’s in your blood

You put there, maybe you did or maybe not

Maybe it’s just the cards since the world is harsh

Torture yourself on the rack of judgment

When you do what you do

Neither you is right, nor is he wrong

There has never been just one

We are all cut in two

Void

Gehenna's burning.
Watch the fire.
The warmth it brings
is worth the price.
The void is filling
with useless things.
Gehenna's burning.
My personal pyre.

Honesty dies
with flames bright white.
Then loyalty goes
and burns dark gold.
Kindness is thrown
and glows soft rose,
but love, it gleams,
burns black, and screams.

The last two, I promise.

Record Keeping
For the record,
you are the most beautiful
person I've ever seen.
Even your darkness has beauty.
And your light...
so bright it shines
'til blinding.
But, really,
is there anything else to see?

For the record
I saw the evil you tried to hide,
and it was beautiful, too.
So, think about it, long and hard.
How many people
bother to look.
And, really,
love all there is to see?

Keep it
You hang on to it
because I don't want it
kindness and giving bring no profit
caring for others offers no return.
So you keep it
the best of me
at no cost to you
completely free
but don't expect to earn any gain
it's obviously worthless
never brought me anything.

According to you
that's completely my fault
operator error. Maybe.
It's probably true.
The manual confused
and the times I've tried equal three.
Third time's the charm,
and I've figured it out.
I'm only good at one thing.
That one thing won't last, so
everything else, do without.

All right. Done now. Moving on.

Bloody Nap

When you're not quite real
everything is shadow
and nothing is solid or true
except when both using and used.

When you're not quite enough
everything is lacking
and nothing is worthy of trust
except the phrase "from dust to dust".

When you're not quite important
everything is useless
and nothing is vital or deep
and I need nothing but sleep.

When you're not quite human
everything is feral
and nothing has meaning but need
and wounds that endlessly bleed.

Ghost

Every night, I wear your clothes and
dark in a dream, fade like a ghost
float room to room, barely here
haunt my own house, facing fear
hearing echoes unsaid and shrill
"It doesn't matter and never will."
Then my voice, "Oh, God. Don't."
"I could and would, but shouldn't, so I won't."